Maaki Sawant is at a rave party enjoying a glass of whisky with Thums Up, while roaming around and searching for a loo to throw up in. She, by mistake, gets into the gents loo. There, she meets a man in his mid thirties named Kirloskar. They both smile at each other. Kirloskar puts up his shirt collar.
He starts talking (blabbering). She feels less drunk than him, then. And she starts thinking of ways to get rid of (some) Kilos. He is good looking, she thinks. She’s drunk. ‘Let me use him to drive me home’, she thinks to herself. She starts a conversation and he offers to drop her home as she was almost knocked out of her senses. She behaves drunk than she actually is. She starts looking like her true self. ‘Let me use her to drive me crazy in the bed’, he thinks. Kilos gives himself no choice but to agree to drop her, as she is royally smashed. On their way home, Kilos stops by a broken down cab to hide a parcel. When she asks him what he did, he says nothing. She assumes that he must have gotten down to pee.
After they reach home, he dumps her on her bed. She passes out. He tries to wake her up. He gets a mug of water and throws it on her face. She doesn’t get up. He removes his shoes and makes her smell it. She doesn’t get up. He tries smelling it himself. He almost joins her in the state of unconsciousness. Tired with it all, he decides to leave. As he leaves, he places a black coloured polythene bag right next to her head.
Maaki Sawant gets up holding her head. She is high. She opens the bag and finds a pair of polka dotted boxers. She wonders why he gave her this. A souvenir, she thinks. But when she further examines, she finds a note saying, ‘I have hidden 100 packets of cocaine in a taxi near the JW Marriot Hotel. The number is MH 01 A-414. The taxi remains untouched, as no one does anything about it. Once you get the drugs call me on 9820 03 98 80.
p.s. If you don’t do it, someone close to your heart can be put to death.
p.p.s. Don’t get the police involved.’
___________________________________________________________
Maaki, not knowing what to do about the horrific situation at hand, calls up her best friend, Ishika.
Ishika: Stop crying now, it’s been almost 20 minutes that you’ve been crying.
Maaki: Sniff! Sniff! Stops. Sniff! Sniff!
Ishika: Tell me if you remember anything.
Maaki: Sniff! Sniff! No, I don’t remember anything. I was high. Higher than that, maybe. Sniff! Sniff!
Ishika: His name, how he looked, anything significant in his body. Anything?
Maaki: Kirloskar, his name. And ya, I remember. He had a paunch!!!
Ishika: A PAUNCH!?!? That’s all you remember? Of all the things, you remember HIS PAUNCH?
Maaki: Ya, a paunch. Because, he tried to hug me, and he couldn’t reach the other side.
Ishika: Maaki, I’m sure it’s not just his paunch that he couldn’t hug you.
Maaki: Not now, Ishika. Let’s not talk about that now.
Ishika: Hmmmmfffppphhh! Let’s call up the police.
Maaki: No, not the police. He’s asked me not to.
Ishika: Hey, you don’t have the brains to solve a simple 2 + 2. You think, you are going to solve the case yourself?
Maaki: It’s 4. I know!
Ishika: TERI MAAKI, THAT ISN’T THE REAL PROBLEM!
Maaki: Okay, okay, anyway... Can we call up Bond? (Takes a pause) Games Bond?
Ishika: Oh ya, sure. He’s so hottt!!!
___________________________________________________________
Maaki picks up her phone, and calls up Games Bond. She dials the number 700. Games Bond picks up his phone.
Games Bond: Ting dingdi ting dingdi ting dingdi ting...
Maaki: Why don’t you try setting that as your caller tune? Might save you some energy on every call.
Games Bond: Oh ya, it never struck me. Anyway, you’re speaking to... Games (He pauses) Games Bond.
Maaki: Games, my friend thinks you are really hot. I don’t.
Games Bond: Who’s your friend?
Maaki: Bastard, do you even who I am?
Games Bond: Oh sorry. Who are you?
Maaki: I am Maaki... (She pauses) Teri Maaki.
Games: Funny name! (And he laughs)
Maaki: Shut the F up. And, solve my problem.
Games: Okay, shoot.
Maaki Sawant tells him the whole issue at hand.
Games: Alright. Take the case as – SOLVED.
Maaki: Solved? How come? You know Kirloskar?
Games: Shut the F up. Tell me... Where was this party last night?
Maaki tells him the address. He asks her to meet him at the venue.
___________________________________________________________
It’s a shack at some secluded part of Juhu beach. As they meet each other, a fiery storm blows past them. Games wonders why is it happening in a hot summer. Maaki knows it is love. At first sight. They shake hands. Maaki doesn’t leave his hand. They both walk inside the shack. They see a young guy mopping the tables. Games calls out to him. He tunes out. Maaki bends a little and calls out. He comes running.
Games: That was a neat trick.
Maaki: It always works.
Games: Okay, can you leave my hand now?
Maaki: Oh sorry, I didn’t realise.
The young chap comes and stands in front of them.
Games: Hey... Is there a...
Young guy: Yes, madam.
Games: Do I look like a madam to you?
Young guy: Do I look like I’m talking to you?
Games gets annoyed.
Maaki: Hey... We need some help. We need to know something about last night.
Young guy: Dazzling lights all around. Smoking hot girls. Mind-blasting music. Fantastic night. KHATARNAAK EKDUM!
Maaki: I know. I was a part of it.
Young guy: You were? What were you wearing?
Games gets annoyed, even more.
Games: Ahem! Ahem! Can we talk about what we are here for?
Maaki: Oh ya... Chotu, we’ll talk about that later. Sir is getting possessive. (And she chuckles)
Games: Possessive? What are you talking about?
Maaki: Yes, you are acting a little possessive. Look at your eyes. There is jealousy pouring out of it.
Games: Oh, shut up! Do you even...
Young guy: Ahem! Ahem! Can you talk about what you are here for?
Games gives a wild stare at the young guy.
Maaki gives a wild stare at Games.
Young guy gives a vulgar stare at Maaki’s ______________.
Games: Do you know of any man named Kirloskar?
Maaki: Ya... Kirloskar. He has a big paunch! He was standing next to the gents’ loo throughout the night.
Young guy: A man... with a big paunch... standing next to the loo... Hmmmm... Was he with an extremely hot woman in red colour one piece? A very small red one piece?
An enormously wide smile breaks across Maaki’s face.
Maaki: YESSS!!! I did stand out in the crowd! He did notice me. People must have noticed me. YES! YES! YESSSS!!! Yes, it was me.
Games: Maaki, we are asking about Kirloskar. Not you!
Maaki: Oh ya, do you have any clue who that guy is?
Young guy: Yes, of course. He’s a regular at these rave parties.
Games: You know his name, address, or anything about him?
Young guy: Andheri. Andheri, I think. Last time when he was here, he got terribly drunk and one of our guys had to go and drop him.
Games: Can you let us know where did he drop him?
Young guy (Looking at Maaki’s ______________): What do I get for this?
Games (taking out his air gun): One shot in your head.
Young guy (with a desperate look on his face): One shot is enough.
Games: Shut up! I’ll blow your head off.
Maaki: Shut up, Games. Chotu, please, can you give us his address?
Young guy: Give me 5 minutes.
The young chap goes inside the shack. Comes back with a piece of paper, and hands it over to Games. He flips the piece of paper and notices nothing written on it.
Games: You don’t have anything written.
Young guy hands over a pen.
Young guy: Write down.
Games gets snappy. Maaki finds it cute. Games asks the young guy to bend down. The young guy asks Maaki to bend down. Games places the piece of paper on Maaki’s back, and asks the young guy to dictate the address. Young guy is busy staring. Games gives a knock on his head.
Young guy: Oh ya... Write down... Andheri (East)... Sorry, Andheri (West), Gawan Pada...
Maaki: He’s from a 'pada'?
Young guy: 5 lanes to the right of Gawan Pada.
Maaki heaves a big sigh of relief, smiles and gets back to her bending position. Young guy is happy, again.
Young guy: Andheri (West), 5 lanes to the right of Gawan Pada, Viceroy Towers...
Once you reach that place, you can ask the watchman there.
Games: You can go now.
Young guy: Thank me, first.
Games: Ya, whatever man.
Young guy: Not whatever. Thank me.
Maaki: Thank him na, Games.
Games: Ya alright... Thanks.
___________________________________________________________
They reach the given address. To keep the whole mission a secret, they decide to go there late in the night. 12:30 a.m. They search for the watchman. They see a man inside the cabin with a sticker of an open eye on his eye lids. When they look closely, they realise that he’s in a deep slumber. They realise, that the sticker is just a conjuring trick to fool people.
Games: I’m guessing, he’s the watchman.
Maaki: He’s so smart ya.
Games: Whatever. Let’s wake him up.
Maaki: Alright.
Games pokes him on his shoulder. He squirms in his chair. He has a smile on his face. Games pokes him again. No response. He pats on his shoulder. No response. He yells in his ears, which startles him awake. The watchman jumps and salutes instantly. Although, he’s still deep in his sleep. Games laughs and speaks.
Games: Get up, watchman. It’s 9 in the morning.
Games: Get up, watchman. It’s 9 in the morning.
Maaki: 9? It’s 12:30 a.m.
Games gives her a wild stare.
Maaki: Oh, you were fooling around.
Games: What did you think, you... you... you...?
Maaki: You... what? Haan? YOU... WHAT?
The watchman, in his sleepy daze, stares at both of them as they continue to argue. Over nothing. The watchman rubs his eyes and looks at his watch.
Watchman: Who do you want to see?
Games: Kirloskar. Does anyone by that name stay here?
Watchman: Hmmm... There is a Kusumkar, Bhandarekar, Murudkar, Dukkar...
Maaki: DUKKAR???
And, she laughs. The watchman laughs along.
Watchman: Ya, madam. Such a pig he is. Last night I was just strolling at the park. He came in drunk, and started...
At this point, Games turns impatient.
Games: Arre aye... Chup kar. Is there anyone by the name Kirloskar?
The watchman gets a little embarrassed. Maaki gets a little too annoyed.
Maaki: You didn’t have to shout at him. Especially, when he’s talking of an unpleasant incident that happened to him. BLOODY DUKKAR!
Games: We don’t have time to fool around, Maaki. Let’s get on with this case. We need to sort this ASAP.
Maaki: Ya, whatever. Go on. Solve it.
The watchman stares at both of them as they continue to argue. Yet again, over nothing.
Games: So, mister sleepy. Any Kirloskar you know of?
Watchman: Ya, flat no. 677.
Games and Maaki thank him and start walking towards the building.
Watchman: But sir... Who are you both?
Games: Games... (pauses) Ga...
Maaki stops him abruptly.
Maaki: He’s gay. He was saying that he is Gay.
Games gives her a puzzled look.
Games: WHAT??? I’m not gay. Why’re you telling him that?
Maaki whispers into his ears.
Maaki: We can’t be revealing our true identities, you... you... you...!!!
Games: You... What? What haan, you...?
Maaki swells up her eyes and clenches her teeth.
Games: Okay, sorry.
He looks at the watchman and speaks.
Games: Yes. Yes. I am gay.
Watchman: Who’s asking you about that? I’m looking for names. What are your names?
Games: She’s Shantakumari. And myself – Shanta... (pauses) Shantaram.
Watchman: Nice names. Brother-Sister?
Maaki: NO, WE ARE NOT!
The terrified watchman nods his head. Games and Maaki turn around and walk off. As they walk towards the building, they talk. Argue.
Maaki: You could have said Shantaram. Simply!
Games: It’s a style. I’ve been on it for eons now.
Maaki: IT’S AN OUTDATED STYLE! Even the kids in my locality use some new styles.
And, they argue their way till flat no. 677. Once they reach outside the door, they look at each other and wonder what to do.
___________________________________________________________
Maaki: We should ring the bell.
Games: Or, should we break in?
Maaki: WE’LL RING THE BELL.
Games: OKAY!
Maaki: Good, now ring it.
Games takes out his air gun, points towards the closed door and lifts his hand to ring the bell. Just as he is about to ring it, the door opens. A pregnant woman, who looks like a maid, steps out. Games smiles at her. Maaki stares at her. Then, she turns her angry looks at Games. Games gets frightened.
Games: She was sweet.
Maaki: Is that the reason why you smiled at her?
Games: No! I don’t know why I smiled. I just did.
Maaki: Who made you a detective, you dumb ass?
Games: Ya, whatever! Come, she’s kept the door open.
As they walk in, Games points his air gun towards the direction that he’s looking in. Maaki sticks to his back.
Games: Take your hand off my back.
Maaki: Those are not my hands. My hands are on your hips.
Games: Okay, stop distracting me while I’m trying to work.
Maaki: Sorry, I can’t help it.
They investigate further, in each and every corner of the home to discover that there is no one in there.
Maaki: There is no one in here.
Games: Yes, I know that. Thanks.
Maaki: We did check under the beds, right?
Games: Yes, we did.
Maaki: Behind the curtains?
Games: Yes, I did.
Maaki: What about the attic?
Games fixes his look on her with his eyes wide open. Wild stare.
Maaki: It’s always good to be sure. Right?
Games: Yes, I looked around every corner. No one is in here.
Unexpectedly, Maaki pulls his shirt. Closer. She looks deep into his eyes. Games removes his glares. She wonders why he had put on glares in the night. Games hopes that her nails don’t pierce through his expensive shirt. She pulls him more. Closer. He doesn’t stop her from doing so. At that moment, they are physically extremely close. Emotionally, they get closer as moments pass. Closer. Their lips quiver, a little. An inch closer, and they would share their first kiss. Suddenly...
Games: FUCK, the maid!
Games: FUCK, the maid!
Maaki: WHAT??? Who do you want to fuck?
Games: The maid! The maid!
Maaki: You want to fuck the maid, you bastard?
Games: Maaki... NO! The maid was Kirloskar.
Maaki: NO WAY! He had a BIG PAUNCH!
Games: Exactly. And, the maid was pregnant.
Maaki: How did he know that we might come around?
Games: I don’t know. He might have seen us from the window.
Maaki: Or, maybe from...
Games: Or, maybe from somewhere, anywhere. He knew we were coming for him.
Maaki: What now?
Games: Let’s go, catch him.
Maaki: But, I can’t run.
And, she points to her knee length tight fitting skirt. He takes the bottom end of the skirt in between his teeth.
Maaki: Not now Games! We need to catch Kilos.
Games: You blockhead, I’m just tearing it so that you could run.
Maaki: Oh, I thought you were still... ahem ahem!
Games: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
He tears of her skirt. And, starts running towards the door. Maaki follows him. As they reach the building gate, they notice that the watchman is dozing his way to glory. With a sense of urgency, Games pats him hard on his shoulder. He doesn’t wake up. He smiles, as he stays deep in the slumber. Games shouts out loud in his ear. The watchman replies to it by saying that he loves him, in his sleep. Games shies away. Maaki hits Games really hard on his head. The watchman wakes up, then. Maaki and Games looks at each other in a surprise.
Games: Good morning, watchman. It’s 10 in the morning.
Maaki: What 10? Where is it 10? Which world are you in?
At this point, Games gets really annoyed at her. She realises it.
Maaki: You were kidding around with him. I was just doing the same.
Games: Oh, really? What makes you think that this is a time to fool around?
Maaki: If you can fool around, why can’t I?
Games: ARRRRRRGGGHHH!!! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I argued with you. I’m sorry.
Maaki: It’s alright. Don’t repeat it the next time.
Games starts pulling out his hair. Starts pulling on his shirt. Starts acting as if there are trillion ants on his body. The watchman is amazed. He laughs. Games gets irritated and kicks him. He frowns. Maaki gets angry.
Watchman: Why’re you kicking me?
Maaki: Yes, why’re you kicking him?
Games: WHAT IS THERE TO LAUGH NOW?
Maaki: I don’t care. Apologise to him.
Games: Pch! Sorry Mr. Watchman. I shouldn’t have done that.
Maaki: Good.
Watchman: It’s alright. Don’t repeat it the next time.
Games gets furious, but carries on with the investigation. On enquiring if any pregnant woman left the premises, the watchman looked down on the ground. Embarrassed. Both of them realised that he was the wrong person to answer this question. He was snoozing. They watch one more guy walking their way.
___________________________________________________________
New guy: Are you looking for someone?
Games: Who are you?
New guy: I’m a watchman here. My shift is over. That’s why the casual attire.
Games: Oh! Did you see any pregnant man who looks like a woman?
The other watchman (new watchman) gets confused and looks as if we asked him about integration and derivatives in mathematics.
New guy: Sorry, WHAT?
Games: A pregnant man who looks like a woman? What don’t you understand?
Maaki: Shut up, Games.
She looks at the new watchman and talks. Enquires.
Maaki: Did you see a pregnant woman passing by?
New guy: Ya, I was in my trunks (chaddi), changing my clothes, and I saw this woman... woman... woman, yes... not man. I had to cover myself up.
Games: Not important. Where did you see her?
New guy: Why is it not important? Would you keep it open if a woman passes by?
Games: You were not... NUDE!!!
New guy: I know, I wasn’t. It’s just weird.
Maaki: Shut up, both of you. Where and when did you see her?
New guy: She was trying to climb up the wall in the backyard of the building. It was so funny.
Games: Did you not try to stop her?
New guy: No, it was so funny. I didn’t want to stop her.
Games: DAMN IT! What’s on the other side of the wall? Is there a road or something?
New guy: There is this road... that leads to... Mahakali Caves.
Maaki: Ya. Ya. Mahakali Caves.
Games: Cool, let’s go Maaki.
As Games starts walking towards the backyard, Maaki looks a little sceptical. She looks at the watchman and asks.
Maaki: How tall is the wall?
Watchman: Quite tall. Taller than you, for sure.
Maaki: How tall?
Watchman: How can I tell you how tall it is, Madam?
Maaki exudes some disappointment. The watchman makes a sorry face. Games turns around.
Maaki exudes some disappointment. The watchman makes a sorry face. Games turns around.
Games: Maaki, we’re getting late. Come fast.
He says that and he disappears in the darkness of the night. She wonders what a cheap locality it is. No lights in the backyard. She asks the watchman to put in a complain to the secretary. The watchman wonders why. She leaves.
___________________________________________________________
They reach the backyard. It is dark. Games looks at the wall and suggests Maaki that it is doable. Maaki suggests otherwise.
Games: Come on... Step on my hand. I’ll hurl you up.
Maaki: No, it’s not possible.
Games: We need to do this. The other way might just be too long for us to catch her. Him, sorry.
Maaki: No ya... it’s too tough. I’ll catch a cab and come.
Games: Stop annoying. Just keep your feet on my hand. It’ll be effortlessly done.
Maaki does as he asks her to, despite having no spirit of doing it. She tries to cover her bottom with her hands. She stares at him as he tries to look up. He promises her that he won’t put his face up.
After numerous attempts, Maaki crosses over the wall. She gives a hand to pull up Games. Games uses it to full effect. After crossing over, they both experience a big surprise awaiting them. They both constantly stare at the surprise – Kirloskar, in a sari, with a gun pointed at them. Maaki, instantly, starts laughing her guts out. Games asks her to stay alert and stop laughing. Maaki does not stop. Games starts to snigger. Kirloskar feels insulted. He warns them that he might fire a bullet right through their heads. Nothing stops Maaki from laughing. Tears start rolling down her cheeks, as she rolls on the floor and laughs. Games joins her in the laughter. Kirloskar starts chuckling. Although, he makes a serious face to show the genuineness of the situation. He tries to talk to them.
Kirloskar: Don’t laugh. This was quick thinking, the sari.
Maaki tries to control her laughter, out of dread. But in vain. It’s a mixture of emotions for her and Games, at that moment. Games tries to play hero. He attempts to roll and kick him. His body and the out-of-the-job-for-quite-a-while status don’t help him in doing so. He rolls back. Looking at this, Maaki continues her laughter binge. Games gets embarrassed. Kirloskar goes rampant, too. He holds his walloping tummy and kicks his legs in agony. A sweet agony. A hard laughter. Making good use of the opportunity, Maaki jumps close to Kirloskar and snatches the gun from his hand. Kirloskar looks embarrassed. Games looks at his face, and laughs his guts out. Games and Maaki give hi-fives to each other. Suddenly, she fires a shot. Both the guys stop laughing. There’s absolute silence. A voice comes from the other side of the wall.
Watchman: Madam, is everything fine? Could you climb the wall?
Maaki: Yes. Yes. All’s fine. You may go. Thanks for everything.
The watchman leaves. She points the gun at Kirloskar and asks.
Maaki: Why me? Why did you choose me for this drug transporting job?
Kirloskar doesn’t say anything. He stares at the ground.
Maaki: Didn’t you get anyone else? Why me? WHY ME?
Kirloskar doesn’t say anything. He stares at the ground.
Games: Maaki, give the gun.
Maaki starts walking towards Kirloskar. Puts her hand out to give him the gun.
Games: FUCK!!! NOT TO HIM, GIVE THE GUN TO ME!
Maaki: Oh, sorry. Here!
She hands over the gun to Games. She smiles, sheepishly, as she gives it.
Games: Hey... you piece of shit!
Kirloskar continues staring at the ground.
Games: Here... Here, you piece of shit. Look at me while I’m talking to you. I need details. Everything about it. Everyone involved in it. Where did the drugs come from? Who do you have to give it to? How much money are you making out of it?
Maaki: Ask him my question also.
Games: What question?
Maaki: The “why me” question.
Games: Hunh! What’s the “why me” question?
Maaki: GAMES! GAMES! GAMES! What were you doing when I had the gun in my hand? What were you thinking, you absent-minded... you... you...?
They hear a chuckle. They feel that it comes from behind the wall.
Maaki: Watchman, haven’t you left yet?
The voice chuckles a little louder.
Maaki: Watchman, please leave from there. I know you are there.
They hear sounds of crumbling leaves. They assume that he’s gone. They turn back around. Kirloskar is gone.
Maaki / Games: FUCK!
They start running around, searching for him. At a very short distance, Maaki spots a man running in his underpants, and a sari hanging from it. She calls out to Games. They both start running behind Kirloskar. They both catch hold of him. Easily. Maaki tells Kirloskar about the sports achievements in her school days. Games gets impressed. He calls up the police. The police guy is surprised that the ageing superhero still exists in the detective scenario. Games explains that he’s a superhero, no matter what. The police guy laughs. Maaki grabs the phone, and starts talking in Marathi. Gives them the address and asks them to come over. Soon.
After a few minutes they see police jeeps skid to a halt, their sirens blaring. Maaki is asked if she’s fine. Games gets no attention. He feels dejected. Maaki thanks him. He springs back to life. They see the police laughing at Kirloskar’s attire.
Maaki: I hope you know that this wouldn’t have been possible without you.
Games: It’s a joint effort, darling.
Maaki: Darling?
Games: Hmmm... It might be too soon to say this. But yes, I love you.
Maaki smiles, and they both kiss. The police guys look with amazement, look stupidly. Kirloskar almost makes a second escape from the clutches of the police. But, since they have long hands, escaping becomes impossible for him.
Games: It’s been a long day. You should take some rest.
Maaki: Rest will come along. What about a drink now?
Games smiles. Maaki smiles. The police smile. Kirloskar smiles, too.
All that starts with a drink, ends with a drink. Maaki goes to drink, again.
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